The Wasteland of Twenty Eight Years

Yet another year will be added to the evolution of who I am and what I have become in all these years short of three decades.

We often experience myriad feelings of sadness, nostalgia, panic, anxiety, lost hope, gained wisdom, and some dregs of maturity surfacing with each passing year of our lives. The ageing process, so to speak, is a little disheartening – in that it shows us all that we have left behind. Some good, some bad. Some not so good, not so bad.

The flotsam and jetsam of who we cumulatively become as a result of our experiences and the people we meet – is perhaps the most riveting narrative we will personally ever come across.

Imagine if each personal story could be written with a poetic license to take it wherever you wanted it to go…and for it to become a reality. We would be the Shakespeares of our very own lives.

For some reason, I had always experienced a certain sense of restlessness with each passing year of my life. This feeling, strangely enough, is missing this time around. And I can’t quite put my finger to it. I wouldn’t take the liberty to label it being comfortably numb or delusionally content. It’s something else altogether …

It’s perhaps a space I have struggled a lot to reach. And its also perhaps a phase that may not last for long, and vanish like the charms of a coveted mirage. But till the time it is there, I am in it. Relishing every moment of it.

I am someone who is not easily content with her inner life and the life around her. If I were ever to meditate, it would probably take Herculean mental strength to quell the zillion buzzing thoughts in my head. At times, this can translate into discontentment; and at other times, this can also be the catalyst for a burning aspiration and need to expand the horizons of what I symbolize as a person. How I would like to define myself. Because until and unless, I have a clear definition of who I have chosen to become with each passing year of my life, the clarity or lack of it, of me as a person – will always be a glaring flaw in other people’s eyes.

The problem with progressing forward is that you always want to look behind to see what you did right and what you did wrong. What went well and what utterly failed. The backbone of that urge is the desire to be safe and happy at all times.

But is it realistically possible to be safe and happy at all times?

How much ever we try and protect ourselves from hurt, disappointment, the weight of our choices, the burden of our neglect – all of this will always be there. It’s part of a package that we build and carry with us through our lives. It is indeed really up to us to determine how light or heavy that weight can be.

The Grey’s Anatomy lover that I am, I can’t help but quote Meredith here:

“We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it.”

So here’s me wishing myself another thoughtful decade…full of stories that can make my final twilight twinkle with every emotion felt the way I wanted them to be felt.

And I shall end with yet another Grey’s Anatomy quote:

“Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year. It’s an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally, that gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, a way of letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it’s also important to remember that, amid all the crap, there are a few things worth holding on to.”



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